jealousy.

[before i start, this is a photograph of a painting my mum made in 1995. the painting is hung on a wall in my room. and i think it's the most beautiful portrait that can ever be made]

jealousy is a trait i never really embraced or understood.

yes, there's times when i see someone perfect and i want to be like them, but is that jealousy? i don't think so.

and there's also times when i don't get to spend as much time with "him" as another girl does. but is that jealousy? no.

i have moments when these times and this form of "jealousy" frustrates me. it makes me think i'm not good enough for anyone; even myself. it makes me angry. it makes me upset. it makes me tear up.

tonight was one of those nights again. i wanted to cry my feelings out to someone.. but the only problem is, i don't think i have that "someone" here. that "someone" is somewhere in france right now having a great summer.

i get i would never be good enough.

i get i would never be able to be as skinny or as beautiful as those models.

i get i would never be able to keep everyone around me happy.

i get i would never be her.

i get i would never be perfect.

just please don't rub it in.